16.6.11

SANDRO TAL-FAKIN HOT-DOGS!!!

holy fuckin' moly
i went to bahar ic-caghaq
to swim a couple of laps over a nice turquoise stretch in a shallow bay
i' m sure you know the part
right behind the water park
a turn around from the ice-cream kiosk

after the paddle i put myself in ignore-the-ice-cream-cravings mode
and drove myself out to the coast road
just before that however
on the side i saw a familiar image i had been deprived of for ages

a man wearing shades despite it being seven in the evening
tinkering over a shiny steel grill
the hot dog stand of hot-dog stands

when i digested this mental information
i paused at the crossroads for an awkward 30 seconds
luckily no cars were queuing behind me
so i decisively reversed to an open space immediately adjacent to his stand
him
sandro
the man
the legend

some years had passed and they showed a little on him
the hot dog stand was the same
the condiments increased in number but my favorite
the lea & perkins chilly sauce was nowhere to be seen

a little disappointed but extremely happy nonetheless
i asked him to make me one
and progressed to chat away

i asked him about the university days
and if he still rolled his mobile business there

he told me about how when papillon left their undeserved canteen operation, the new guys who have food selling rights in the canteen and on the surrounding premises didn't want him setting up anymore
no way, no how

he took a four year break apparently and
he now sells hot-dogs in bahar ic-caghaq on thursdays and sundays

the hot-dog is not as excellent as what it was back in the old days
maybe he has lost his touch
maybe he is out of practice
maybe it is the creative process of memory that fucks things up in the ever present
maybe the hot dog is still good and it is the salty water in my mouth that fucked things up

to those that remember
sandro had the best hot-dogs
and this was the best food for a while on campus

on those breakfast-less early mornings
when you've just learned that the lecturer didn't show up or something

when not even a coffee could sooth the cold lifeless 8am to 9am
sandro's hotdog could

when you ate something foul tasting from the canteen
sandro's hot-dog was there to bring your taste-buds back to their senses

when university's stress ate through your heart
you ate through sandro's fucking hot-dog to make yourself whole again

if you were broke
out on your last singular lira from that month's measly stipend
sandro's hot-dog

if you had a free lesson
sandro's hot-dog

if you had a double-lesson
sandro's hot-dog

if you didn't feel like a lecture
sandro's hot-dog

if you wanted to celebrate a B plus grade that just came out
sandro's hot-dog

if you were disappointed at getting a C when you worked your ass off in the assignment and sucked up to the lecturer all fucking semester and did exceptionally well in those despicable tutorials
then confronted the bitch by email and was left with a reply to the tune of "C is not such a bad mark anyway!"
sandro's fucking hot-dog

sometimes after you ate sandro's hot-dog
you'd go for another sandro's hot-dog
cos that's how shit should roll
cos that is only when you know that there's something fucking right and consistent in this cold soulless universe
sandro's fucking hot-dog
that soft steamed bun
that grilled factory-formed sausage
those fried onions
that sweet-salty, jackson pollock tribute on the top

i remember my freshers week hazily
i didn't even apply for any of the credits i needed that semester
before i had decided what career path i was going to embark on
i had already eaten five of those hot-dogs
then i chose communications
ha ha
joke's on me
before i knew what major i was going for
i had majored in sandro's hot-dogs

wait a moment

...i just realised that this doesn't really add up
because i think i was still vegan back there in time
not sure what is right
but in any case i prefer these new hot-dog infused memories

where was i?

at the end of those dopey two weeks
me and two friends
let's call them arnold and daniel
came up with a startling discovery
with the help of daniel who was in second year by then
we came upon the inevitable conclusion that sandro and roza
the stipend lady
where one and the same

daniel had introduced me to the wonders of sandro's hot-dogs
he was lost in a trance like state smelling away at a freshly bought hot-dog
telling me how good it was
losing himself over to his senses
making verbal love to the damn thing
mouthing the phrase
"sandro's hot-dog"
over and over in zombie like fashion
and that's when i stepped in and bitch-slapped him straight and ordered him to get a hold of himself
loudly
in front of his friends

he still promises me that he will have his revenge one day
for the public humiliation i caused him
one day when i least expect it
out of the darkness daniel will pop out and be the cause of terrible embarrassment

back to the sandro and roza intrigue

the rationale was solid
nobody
to our knowledge
had ever seen the two people at the same time
in fact sandro always was in operation when roza's office was closed and vice-versa
i swear on my life that this is true

we asked around and nobody had seen them together....

e v e r

this evidence is further strengthened when one considers roza's affection to the campus cats
and sandro's tasty sausages

it was the perfect setup
you see
as roza would groom the cats
fatten them
let them crawl all over her office desk
then
when student hours are over she would lock the door
strike the poor tabby over the head with an arch lever file
loaded with student info sheets
transform into sandro
throw dead moggy into a freezer and go sell fresh hot-dogs
made from processed cat meat the night before

calling his business
"sandro's hot-dogs" was the perfect disguise
as "sandro's hot-pussy" might have raised a few eyebrows and blow his cover

the sandroza conspiracy

i wanted to propose this as a thesis subject towards the end of my course...
never did
and still regret it

the following year i went to japan
during that time there
i searched high and low
but no hot-dog could compare

the japanese are good at making raw fish
and they make a mean bowl of rice
they're good at being polite and friendly
and at making tentacle porn
but they can't make a good hot-dog
even more so
the worst hot-dog i ever had was in japan

one time in japan i had a dream that i was tasting a hot-dog better than sandro's
but then all of existence collapsed on itself
and ceased
i awoke in a panicky sweat
pedaled to the nearest seven-eleven and fed the inner hot-dog-craving demons the most expensive, and hence the best tasting, obento box

sandro with his calm hard working ways
is the zen master of wieners in a bun
there where bread and sausage meet
lies sandro's art
from grilling and steaming
sprouts his enlightenment

sandro is back
look for him
he is out there
his hot-dogs await

3 comments:

skartocc said...

Tajba ferm, ghalkemm swietli nimsah il monitor u keyboard mit-te li xraqt fih bid dahk.

Niftakar li ahna ukoll kellna din it-teorija li l-ezistenza ta Sandro kienet relatata dirett mal popolazzjoni ta qtates ferali tal-Universita. Barra l-fatt li kien hemm ic-cirku tal-hajja fejn il-qtates imgewhin kienu jieklu il-fdalijiet tal hotdogs...

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the miz said...

OMG!!!! LOL!!!

that is brilliant stuff. I guess you are still having those oil-infused yoghurts :)